1 VEESAM = 1 VADLAGINJA ETTHU
Monday 4 September 2017
Friday 18 August 2017
JOKES PART - 9
Don't make me laugh
1. 1st friend: There goes the human thermometer!
2nd friend: Why do you call him that?
1st friend: Because he has acquired many degrees.
2. Maths teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year?
Ram: Yes, ma'am, there are twelve seconds in a year.
Teacher: How's that?
Ram: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd....
A business trick
A businessman walked into a bank in Chennai and called on the Loan officer. He told him he was going to Trivandrum on business for two weeks and needed a loan of Rs. 10,000. The officer asked him what security he could offer.
The businessman handed over the keys of his Lancer parked in the street in front of the bank. The bank agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drove the Lancer to the bank's garage in the basement and parked it there.
Two weeks later, the businessman returned, repaid Rs. 10,000 with interest, which came to Rs. 100.
The officer said, "We're very happy to have an opportunity to serve you as this transaction has worked out very nicely. But we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we found that you're a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why did you have to borrow Rs. 10,000?"
The businessman replied: "Where else in Chennai can I park my car for two weeks for Rs. 100?"
JOKES PART - 8
Jokes for everyone
1. Teacher : Bunty, why are you late to the class?
Bunty : I helped an old lady to cross the road.
Teacher : Good, but did it take you so long?
Bunty : The point is she don't want to cross the road.
2. Raju : Suresh, your father is a teacher, but your elder sister don't know a letter to read.
Suresh : So what? your father is a dentist and your little brother don't have a single tooth.
Kids joke
The kids were boasting about their respective fathers.
"My daddy bathes twice a week," said Mahesh.
"That's nothing," said Rohan. "My daddy bathes three times a week."
"Oh yeah," said Pramila, not wishing to be out-dad-died.
"My daddy keeps himself so clean he never has to take a bath."
Jokes galore
Mukesh : Would you like to come to my party on Saturday?
Akshay : Yes, I'd love to. What's the address?
Mukesh : Number four, New Street - just ring the bell with your elbow.
Akshay : Why can't I ring with my finger?
Mukesh : You're not coming empty-handed, are you?
Akshay : !!!!!!!!
2. John : How did you break your arm?
Michael : I followed my doctor's prescription.
John : How could you break your arm doing that?
Michael : It flew out of the window and I followed it.
Classroom jokes
1. Teacher : How long did Emperor Akbar rule?
Raju : From page 14 to 25, Sir.
2. Principal : Why are the students shouting?
Teacher : They are not shouting, Sir. They are only discussing the benefits of silence.
Fun and humor
1. Friend One (flying for the first time) :
Hey! The men below really look like ants from the plane.
Friend Two : You silly! We're yet to take off! They're really ants on the windowpane!
2. Wife (in a movie theatre) : How ridiculous! The man in front of us is asleep!
Husband : And you had to wake me up to tell me that?
Fly jokes
1. Ramu : Yesterday I killed five flies. Three of them were male and the rest were female.
Shamu : How did you know which were male and which female?
Ramu : That is very simple. The three were sitting on a
shaving kit and the rest two on a lipstick.
2. Ravi : What is another difference between a mosquito and a fly?
Ramu : Simple. A fly can fly, but a mosquito cannot mosquito.
Fun and cool
1. Rahul : My father once used to look very dark, but now he is very fair.
Raghu : How's that possible? Does he use any cream?
Rahul : No. Earlier he worked in a coal mine; now he works in a flour mill.
2. Rosy : I've changed my mind.
Lily : Does it work better than the previous one?
Witty minds
1. A father asked his son if he liked going to school. The son's reply was…
"Yes, I very much enjoy going to school and I like coming home
even better, but the thing in between is what I cannot stand at all.
2. Customer (in a shop) : Do you have colour TVs?
Man behind the counter : Sure
Customer : Give me a green one, please.
A place for humour
1. Neighbour : Ramu, what are you doing up there?
Ramu : I'm eating guavas, they are very sweet, Uncle.
Neighbour : Come down this moment! Your father will be angry.
Ramu : No, he won't.
Neighbour : Why?
Ramu : He's up there on another branch! He, too, is enjoying the guavas!
2. Anand : How can you eat an egg without breaking the shell?
Mohan : Ask someone else to break it for you.
Riddle nut
1. Where can you get the knowledge of a hen?
A. Hencyclopaedia
2. What do cows produce during an earthquake?
A. Milkshake
3. Where do elephants keep their dress?
A. Trunks
4. Which hat can't we wear?
A. Hattrick
5. Which cock does not sing?
A. Cockroach
Clean jokes
1. Ramesh: Doctor, what shall I do to reduce my weight? Everyone is teasing me.
Doctor: Do some exercises every morning
Doctor (1 month later): What exercise did you do?
Ramesh: I did horse-riding.
Doctor: And what were the results?
Ramesh: My weight went up by five kilos, and the horse's
weight decreased by five kilos.
2. Monu: Sunny, the days are getting hot. I think I must construct
a swimming pool. In what way can you help me?
Sunny: My friend, I can fill it up with water.
Tit for tat
Raghunath, the town's richest shopkeeper, was woken up at six in the morning by a series of urgent rings on his doorbell. Wondering what emergency it was that necessitated his being called at this unearthly hour, he rushed to the door and opened it, only to find a ragged beggar standing outside, whining, Alms, master!
Was it you who rang the bell? he asked, dazed.
"Yes", answered the beggar nonchalantly.
Raghunath gave vent to his fury, shouting, "Do you know what time it is, fellow? How dare you get me out of bed at this ungodly hour to beg for alms?"
"Look, mister, do I tell you what time you should open your shop? retorted the beggar. So, don't you tell me what time I should start my work!"
Son's gift
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their aged mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver". The third smiled and said, "I have beaten you both. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any longer. I sent her a unique parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took the Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom has just to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton, she wrote to one son, the house you built is huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald, she wrote to another, I'm too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald, she wrote to her third son, you've the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
Cat scan
A man takes his obviously dead dog to the Veterinary doctor. He says to the doctor, " I think my dog is real sick. Would you please examine him and tell me what you think?" The doctor looks at the dog and says, "I'm very sorry Mr. Madhesh, but your dog is dead." The man implores, Are you sure doctor? Aren't there any tests so that you can be sure?Okay, says the doctor skeptically. He has his assistant bring in the office house cat. The cat proceeds to sniff the dog from nose to tail, jumps off the table and goes into the other room. The doctor says, Well, that confirms my diagnosis, Mr. Madhesh, your dog is no more. Regrettably, the doctor continues. And I'm really sorry to have to give you the bill for our services at such a sad time. The man looks at the bill and in shock says, Rs 300? Rs 300 to tell me my dog is dead??No, says the doctor, that is only Rs 50. The other Rs 250 is for the cat scan.
Smart reply
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 7th Standard class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he presented an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, closely observe the worms," said the teacher while putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as any worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the teacher asked. Natwar, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely responded confidently, "If we drink whiskey we won't get worms."
JOKES PART - 7
Laugh track
Two friends were seriously discussing....
"Yes, I came face to face with a lion once.
And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a gun."
"What did you do?"
"What could I do?"
"First I tried to look straight into his eyes but he slowly came towards me.
I moved back, but he kept coming nearer. I had to think fast."
"How did you get away?"
"I just left him and moved on to another cage."
Ha ha haa haa...
Teacher : Children, I had taught you the past tense yesterday.
Come on, Bunty, give me one example of a past tense.
Bunty : I...err....Teacher, I was absent yesterday.
Teacher : Very good, Bunty, you may sit down.
I'm glad you understood the lesson.
Hee hee hee hee...
1. Tina: What gift did you get from your grandfather on your birthday?
Rahul: A mouth organ. It's the best present I've ever had.
Tina: Why?
Rahul: My mum gives me extra pocket money every week not to play it!
2. A Mushroom goes to a dance and walks up to a girl and asks
her to dance. "I'm not dancing with you," she replies.
"Aw, come on..." the mushroom says. "Why not? I'm a fungi!" (Fun guy)
Subject jokes
1. Rahul: Dad, will you do my maths for me tonight?
Dad : No, son, it wouldn't be right.
Rahul: Well, you could try.
2. Mom : Why aren't you doing very well in history?
Ranjit: Because the teacher keeps asking about things
that happened before I was born!
Laugh of the day
A foolish man appeared at the box office of a cinema and bought two tickets.
A few minutes later, he returned and bought two more.
After a short interval, when he appeared a third time and offered to
pay for two more, the ticket-seller opened the little glass door and
spoke up: "Are not you the same gentleman who bought two tickets
and two more just a while ago?" he asked, puzzled.
"Yes," replied the foolish man plaintively, "but there is a fool at the
gate who keeps tearing them up!"
Laugh it off
1. Teacher: Where’s your homework?
Boy: I made a paper plane with it and someone hijacked it!
2. Teacher: Today, we’re going to talk about the tenses.
Now, if I say, “I am beautiful,†what tense is it?
Student: Obviously, it is the past tense.
Just for laughs
1. Vijay : Father, can you write your name with your eyes shut?
Father: I think so, Vijay.
Vijay : All right, then, please shut them and sign my report card.
2. Football Manager : You played a great game there, Balu.
Balu : No sir, I thought I played rather badly.
Manager : No, you played a great game for the other side.
Hilarious jokes
1. Teacher : Which is more important, the sun or the moon?
Akshay : The moon.
Teacher : Why do you think so?
Akshay : Well the moon shines at night when it's dark, but the
sun shines in the day when it's bright anyway.
2. Ram : My wife comes from a very large family. How about yours?
Shyam : No, she brought it with her.
Clever jokes
1. A new teacher had a very dirty pupil in her class. At first she
didn't know what to do, but finally she sent him home with a
note to his mother, saying he was not clean and he should
bathe more often. The next morning the boy came back to
school, and pinned to his shirt was the following note: Don't
smell him - teach him!
2. Tailor : Your suit will be ready in two months, sir.
Customer : Two months! But it took god only six days when
he made the world.
Tailor : True, sir. But look at the state the world is in!
Naughty jokes
1. A man started work at the Reception of a hotel. The manager
told him to greet the visitors by their names.
"How will I know what their names are?" asked the man.
"From the names on their suitcases," said the manager.
When the first guests arrived, the man said, "Good morning,
Mr and Mrs VIP Alfa!"
2. Mother : Why are you home from school so early?
Son : I was the only one who could answer a question.
Mother : Oh, really? What was the question?
Son : Who threw the eraser at the Principal?
Just Riddles
1. Anand : What has a big mouth but doesn't say a word?
Varun : A river.
2. Suresh : What has fifty heads and fifty tails?
Mahesh : Fifty pennies.
3. Rita : How does a chicken mail a letter to her friend?
Gita : In a HEN-velope!
4. Lata : Where's a cow's favourite place to go?
Aditya : Where?
Lata : The moovies.
5. Sachin : Why do hummingbirds hum?
Suraj : Because they forgot the words!
Smile please
Professor : "I take great pleasure in giving you eighty-one in mathematics."
Student : "Why don't you make it a hundred and really enjoy yourself?"
Two friends were seriously discussing....
"Yes, I came face to face with a lion once.
And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a gun."
"What did you do?"
"What could I do?"
"First I tried to look straight into his eyes but he slowly came towards me.
I moved back, but he kept coming nearer. I had to think fast."
"How did you get away?"
"I just left him and moved on to another cage."
Ha ha haa haa...
Teacher : Children, I had taught you the past tense yesterday.
Come on, Bunty, give me one example of a past tense.
Bunty : I...err....Teacher, I was absent yesterday.
Teacher : Very good, Bunty, you may sit down.
I'm glad you understood the lesson.
Hee hee hee hee...
1. Tina: What gift did you get from your grandfather on your birthday?
Rahul: A mouth organ. It's the best present I've ever had.
Tina: Why?
Rahul: My mum gives me extra pocket money every week not to play it!
2. A Mushroom goes to a dance and walks up to a girl and asks
her to dance. "I'm not dancing with you," she replies.
"Aw, come on..." the mushroom says. "Why not? I'm a fungi!" (Fun guy)
Subject jokes
1. Rahul: Dad, will you do my maths for me tonight?
Dad : No, son, it wouldn't be right.
Rahul: Well, you could try.
2. Mom : Why aren't you doing very well in history?
Ranjit: Because the teacher keeps asking about things
that happened before I was born!
Laugh of the day
A foolish man appeared at the box office of a cinema and bought two tickets.
A few minutes later, he returned and bought two more.
After a short interval, when he appeared a third time and offered to
pay for two more, the ticket-seller opened the little glass door and
spoke up: "Are not you the same gentleman who bought two tickets
and two more just a while ago?" he asked, puzzled.
"Yes," replied the foolish man plaintively, "but there is a fool at the
gate who keeps tearing them up!"
Laugh it off
1. Teacher: Where’s your homework?
Boy: I made a paper plane with it and someone hijacked it!
2. Teacher: Today, we’re going to talk about the tenses.
Now, if I say, “I am beautiful,†what tense is it?
Student: Obviously, it is the past tense.
Just for laughs
1. Vijay : Father, can you write your name with your eyes shut?
Father: I think so, Vijay.
Vijay : All right, then, please shut them and sign my report card.
2. Football Manager : You played a great game there, Balu.
Balu : No sir, I thought I played rather badly.
Manager : No, you played a great game for the other side.
Hilarious jokes
1. Teacher : Which is more important, the sun or the moon?
Akshay : The moon.
Teacher : Why do you think so?
Akshay : Well the moon shines at night when it's dark, but the
sun shines in the day when it's bright anyway.
2. Ram : My wife comes from a very large family. How about yours?
Shyam : No, she brought it with her.
Clever jokes
1. A new teacher had a very dirty pupil in her class. At first she
didn't know what to do, but finally she sent him home with a
note to his mother, saying he was not clean and he should
bathe more often. The next morning the boy came back to
school, and pinned to his shirt was the following note: Don't
smell him - teach him!
2. Tailor : Your suit will be ready in two months, sir.
Customer : Two months! But it took god only six days when
he made the world.
Tailor : True, sir. But look at the state the world is in!
Naughty jokes
1. A man started work at the Reception of a hotel. The manager
told him to greet the visitors by their names.
"How will I know what their names are?" asked the man.
"From the names on their suitcases," said the manager.
When the first guests arrived, the man said, "Good morning,
Mr and Mrs VIP Alfa!"
2. Mother : Why are you home from school so early?
Son : I was the only one who could answer a question.
Mother : Oh, really? What was the question?
Son : Who threw the eraser at the Principal?
Just Riddles
1. Anand : What has a big mouth but doesn't say a word?
Varun : A river.
2. Suresh : What has fifty heads and fifty tails?
Mahesh : Fifty pennies.
3. Rita : How does a chicken mail a letter to her friend?
Gita : In a HEN-velope!
4. Lata : Where's a cow's favourite place to go?
Aditya : Where?
Lata : The moovies.
5. Sachin : Why do hummingbirds hum?
Suraj : Because they forgot the words!
Smile please
Professor : "I take great pleasure in giving you eighty-one in mathematics."
Student : "Why don't you make it a hundred and really enjoy yourself?"
JOKES PART - 6
Bee jokes
1. What kind of bees hum and drop things?
A fumble bee!
2. What did the bee say to the flower?
Hello honey!
3. What's a bee-line?
The shortest distance between two buzz-stops!
4. What is a bee's favorite classical music composer?
Bee-thoven!
5. Where do bees keep their money?
In a honey box!
6. What do you call a bee who's had a spell put on him?
He's bee-witched!
Laugh, and the world laughs with you
1. Student: Madam, I don't think I deserve a zero for this paper.
Teacher: You're right. But there aren't any lower marks that I
can award you.
2. House owner is showing the house to a prospective tenant.
It is raining outside, and the roof leaks.
"Does the water always come through the roof like this?"
"No,no! only when it rains."
Interview
At an interview for the job of a fire engine officer:
Interviewer: You might have to carry injured people out during
accidents. How much weight can you carry?
Shakti: A hundred kilos.
Interviewer: Suppose there is an unconscious woman weighing
200 kilos. How would you rescue her?
Shakti: I'd make two trips.
Police dog
Reena: Look at that funny looking dog! What kind of a dog is that?
Beena: It's a police dog.
Reena: It doesn't look like one.
Beena: Of course not! It's in the Secret Service.
Native wit
Varsha is on a visit to a village for the first time.
Varsha asks a villager: Is this a healthy place?
Villager: Of course. Don't I look healthy? When I came here, I
couldn't speak a word; I could not even walk!
Varsha: What an improvement! How long have you been here?
Villager: I was born here.
Singing with feeling
Sanjay: Don't you think I sing with feeling?
Atul: No, if you have any feeling you wouldn't sing.
New kind of division
Teacher: What will you get if you divide eight by two?
Varsha: If we divide it vertically, we will get three. If we divide it
sideways, then we will get zero.
Speeding ticket
Policeman: I' m sorry, Sir, but I have to chalan you for driving 70
kilometres an hour.
Man: But that's impossible, I' ve only been driving for ten
minutes at the most.
Tricky Maths
1. What did the mathbook say to his troubled friend?
Sorry, I cant help you; I got too many problems of my own!
2. Math teacher: If you were 7 last year, how old will you be next year?
Kid: Nine
Math teacher: Impossible!
Kid: No it isn't teacher, I'm eight today!
3. If you had 3 apples and 4 oranges in one hand and 3 apples
and 3 oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
Very Large Hands
Grin and bear it
1. How do you make seven an even number?
Remove the "S"!
2. Why did the man sleep with a ruler?
To see how long he could sleep.
3. How many men were born in 1996?
None, just babies were born!!
4. You are going to London. On the way you see 3 ladies. The 3
ladies see 8 cats. The 8 cats see 29 mice each. How many
people went to London?
One, yourself!
H for Humour
1. Customer : Waiter, there's a caterpillar on my salad
Waiter : Don't worry sir, there is no extra charge.
2. Mother : Why did you get such a low mark in that test?
Junior : Because of absence.
Mother : You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
Junior : No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
Show me your smile
1. Teacher : Didn't you promise to behave?
Akash : Yes, sir.
Teacher : And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't.
Akash : Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.
2. Gita : Doctor, Doctor, my son has swallowed my pen. What shall I do?
Doctor : Use a pencil till I get there.
Laugh factory
1. At an evening party the guests were asked to take part in a
game in which everybody was to make a face, the one who
made the worst face to win the prize. It seemed as if all did
their worst. Then the judge went up to one woman who was
sitting off in a corner.
Judge : Madam, I think you've won the prize. Allow me to........
Woman : Sir, excuse me - I wasn't playing.
2. Teacher : What do you get if you add 4,657 and
7,854, then subtract 678 and divide the answer by 62?
Rinku : A headache!
Castle of grins
1. "Is your mother home?" the salesman asked a small boy
sitting on the steps in front of a house.
"Yes, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him pass.
The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once,
then again. Still no one came to the door.
Turning to the boy, the fellow said, "I thought you said your mother was home."
The kid replied, "She is; but this isn't where I live."
1. What kind of bees hum and drop things?
A fumble bee!
2. What did the bee say to the flower?
Hello honey!
3. What's a bee-line?
The shortest distance between two buzz-stops!
4. What is a bee's favorite classical music composer?
Bee-thoven!
5. Where do bees keep their money?
In a honey box!
6. What do you call a bee who's had a spell put on him?
He's bee-witched!
Laugh, and the world laughs with you
1. Student: Madam, I don't think I deserve a zero for this paper.
Teacher: You're right. But there aren't any lower marks that I
can award you.
2. House owner is showing the house to a prospective tenant.
It is raining outside, and the roof leaks.
"Does the water always come through the roof like this?"
"No,no! only when it rains."
Interview
At an interview for the job of a fire engine officer:
Interviewer: You might have to carry injured people out during
accidents. How much weight can you carry?
Shakti: A hundred kilos.
Interviewer: Suppose there is an unconscious woman weighing
200 kilos. How would you rescue her?
Shakti: I'd make two trips.
Police dog
Reena: Look at that funny looking dog! What kind of a dog is that?
Beena: It's a police dog.
Reena: It doesn't look like one.
Beena: Of course not! It's in the Secret Service.
Native wit
Varsha is on a visit to a village for the first time.
Varsha asks a villager: Is this a healthy place?
Villager: Of course. Don't I look healthy? When I came here, I
couldn't speak a word; I could not even walk!
Varsha: What an improvement! How long have you been here?
Villager: I was born here.
Singing with feeling
Sanjay: Don't you think I sing with feeling?
Atul: No, if you have any feeling you wouldn't sing.
New kind of division
Teacher: What will you get if you divide eight by two?
Varsha: If we divide it vertically, we will get three. If we divide it
sideways, then we will get zero.
Speeding ticket
Policeman: I' m sorry, Sir, but I have to chalan you for driving 70
kilometres an hour.
Man: But that's impossible, I' ve only been driving for ten
minutes at the most.
Tricky Maths
1. What did the mathbook say to his troubled friend?
Sorry, I cant help you; I got too many problems of my own!
2. Math teacher: If you were 7 last year, how old will you be next year?
Kid: Nine
Math teacher: Impossible!
Kid: No it isn't teacher, I'm eight today!
3. If you had 3 apples and 4 oranges in one hand and 3 apples
and 3 oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
Very Large Hands
Grin and bear it
1. How do you make seven an even number?
Remove the "S"!
2. Why did the man sleep with a ruler?
To see how long he could sleep.
3. How many men were born in 1996?
None, just babies were born!!
4. You are going to London. On the way you see 3 ladies. The 3
ladies see 8 cats. The 8 cats see 29 mice each. How many
people went to London?
One, yourself!
H for Humour
1. Customer : Waiter, there's a caterpillar on my salad
Waiter : Don't worry sir, there is no extra charge.
2. Mother : Why did you get such a low mark in that test?
Junior : Because of absence.
Mother : You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
Junior : No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
Show me your smile
1. Teacher : Didn't you promise to behave?
Akash : Yes, sir.
Teacher : And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't.
Akash : Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.
2. Gita : Doctor, Doctor, my son has swallowed my pen. What shall I do?
Doctor : Use a pencil till I get there.
Laugh factory
1. At an evening party the guests were asked to take part in a
game in which everybody was to make a face, the one who
made the worst face to win the prize. It seemed as if all did
their worst. Then the judge went up to one woman who was
sitting off in a corner.
Judge : Madam, I think you've won the prize. Allow me to........
Woman : Sir, excuse me - I wasn't playing.
2. Teacher : What do you get if you add 4,657 and
7,854, then subtract 678 and divide the answer by 62?
Rinku : A headache!
Castle of grins
1. "Is your mother home?" the salesman asked a small boy
sitting on the steps in front of a house.
"Yes, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him pass.
The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once,
then again. Still no one came to the door.
Turning to the boy, the fellow said, "I thought you said your mother was home."
The kid replied, "She is; but this isn't where I live."
JOKES PART - 5
Laugh-a-riot
1. Ant: What is your age?
Elephant: My age is 5 years.
Ant: Such a young age and such a huge body.
Elephant: Tan Kee Shakti, Man Ki Shakti, Bournvita!!
Ant: Ok
Elephant: What is your age?
Ant: My age is 18 Years.
Elephant:18 years and such a small body looks as if you
are very young
Ant: Fair and Lovely lagao aur apni umar chhupao!!
2. Lawyer: Four witnesses have seen you steal the cow, but
you still do not admit.
Thief: Sir, I can produce a hundred witnesses who have not
seen me stealing the cow.
3. Judge-What do you do?
Prisoner-This & that
Judge-Where do you live?
Prisoner-Here& there
Judge (to policeman)-Arrest him.
Prisoner-When will I come out?Judge-Sooner or later
4. Man: Doctor, whenever I drink my coffee, I get a sharp pain in
my eye. What should I do?
Doctor: Just remove the spoon from your cup.
5. Teacher: Why is honesty the best policy?
Student: Because there is hardly any competition.
6. A man was struggling to get a table out of his house. His
neighbour saw this and asked him, "Why are you taking that
table out of your house?"
The man replies "I have to take it to the shop to buy a
tablecloth of its size".
Any rhyme or reason?
Why is it called a TV "set" if there's only one?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
How can you "draw a blank"?
Why are stadium seating areas called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing?
Why is it when two planes almost collide it's called a 'near miss'. Shouldn't it be called a 'near hit'?
Why do 'fat chance' and 'slim chance' mean the same thing?
Ever notice that PRICE and WORTH mean about the same thing, but priceless and worthless are opposites?
Why is it when you transport something by car it's called a shipment, and when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
LOL
1. The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?
"Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
2. What is the cannibals favorite game?
Swallow the leader
3. A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
4. Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"
5. "It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse ?"
"Well, my dad says the world is changing every day . So I decided to wait until it settles down !"
Grins and Guffaws
1. The twins, Rishi and Sashi, were fighting in the playground. Mother separated them and said sternly, "You mustn't behave like that! You must learn to give and take.""We did, mummy!" replied Rishi."He took my toy and so I gave him a whack."
2. A man riding a donkey came across another riding a horse. He quickly got down and asked, "Would you like to exchange your horse for my donkey?"
"Do I look like a fool?" asked the other.
"No, but I hoped you were one!"
3. Shopkeeper to boy: Be careful with the packet.
And make sure that you go straight home from here.
Boy: I can't, I live just round the corner!
School jokes
1. Student 1 to Student 2 with a foreign look : What nationality are you?
Student 1 : I'm an Ice cube!
Student 2 : What's that?
Student1 : My mother was born in Iceland and my father was born in Cuba!
2. Teacher: Who is your favourite author?
Student : George Washington.
Teacher: But George Washington never wrote any books.
Student :That's why he's my favourite.
Laughter - Medicine to weary bones
1. Teacher: Where's your pencil, Sonu?
Sonu: I no have any!
Teacher: NO, that's wrong English. You must say, I don't
have a pencil. She doesn't have a pencil, he doesn't have a
pencil, they do not have a pencil, we do not have a pencil…
Sonu: Why? Where have all the pencils gone?
2. Teacher: Sruti, spell a mouse.
Sruti: M-O-U-S.
Teacher: You've almost got it right. What comes at the end?
Sruti: The mouse's tail!
3. Girl to the clerk at the post office counter:
Thanks for the stamp. Should I stick it on myself?
Clerk: No, stick it on the letter.
4. Father: Everything is going up. The prices of food items; the
charges for electricity; the taxes I pay. If only something would
come down…
Son: Don't worry, father, there's something that's coming
down.
Father: What's that?
Son: The marks in my report card.
Kid's proverbs
Strike while the... Bug is close
Never underestimate the power of........Termites
You can lead a horse to water but........how?
The pen is mightier than the........Pigs
Where there's smoke there's.......Pollution
Two's company, three's..............The Musketeers
1. Ant: What is your age?
Elephant: My age is 5 years.
Ant: Such a young age and such a huge body.
Elephant: Tan Kee Shakti, Man Ki Shakti, Bournvita!!
Ant: Ok
Elephant: What is your age?
Ant: My age is 18 Years.
Elephant:18 years and such a small body looks as if you
are very young
Ant: Fair and Lovely lagao aur apni umar chhupao!!
2. Lawyer: Four witnesses have seen you steal the cow, but
you still do not admit.
Thief: Sir, I can produce a hundred witnesses who have not
seen me stealing the cow.
3. Judge-What do you do?
Prisoner-This & that
Judge-Where do you live?
Prisoner-Here& there
Judge (to policeman)-Arrest him.
Prisoner-When will I come out?Judge-Sooner or later
4. Man: Doctor, whenever I drink my coffee, I get a sharp pain in
my eye. What should I do?
Doctor: Just remove the spoon from your cup.
5. Teacher: Why is honesty the best policy?
Student: Because there is hardly any competition.
6. A man was struggling to get a table out of his house. His
neighbour saw this and asked him, "Why are you taking that
table out of your house?"
The man replies "I have to take it to the shop to buy a
tablecloth of its size".
Any rhyme or reason?
Why is it called a TV "set" if there's only one?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
How can you "draw a blank"?
Why are stadium seating areas called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing?
Why is it when two planes almost collide it's called a 'near miss'. Shouldn't it be called a 'near hit'?
Why do 'fat chance' and 'slim chance' mean the same thing?
Ever notice that PRICE and WORTH mean about the same thing, but priceless and worthless are opposites?
Why is it when you transport something by car it's called a shipment, and when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
LOL
1. The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?
"Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
2. What is the cannibals favorite game?
Swallow the leader
3. A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
4. Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"
5. "It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse ?"
"Well, my dad says the world is changing every day . So I decided to wait until it settles down !"
Grins and Guffaws
1. The twins, Rishi and Sashi, were fighting in the playground. Mother separated them and said sternly, "You mustn't behave like that! You must learn to give and take.""We did, mummy!" replied Rishi."He took my toy and so I gave him a whack."
2. A man riding a donkey came across another riding a horse. He quickly got down and asked, "Would you like to exchange your horse for my donkey?"
"Do I look like a fool?" asked the other.
"No, but I hoped you were one!"
3. Shopkeeper to boy: Be careful with the packet.
And make sure that you go straight home from here.
Boy: I can't, I live just round the corner!
School jokes
1. Student 1 to Student 2 with a foreign look : What nationality are you?
Student 1 : I'm an Ice cube!
Student 2 : What's that?
Student1 : My mother was born in Iceland and my father was born in Cuba!
2. Teacher: Who is your favourite author?
Student : George Washington.
Teacher: But George Washington never wrote any books.
Student :That's why he's my favourite.
Laughter - Medicine to weary bones
1. Teacher: Where's your pencil, Sonu?
Sonu: I no have any!
Teacher: NO, that's wrong English. You must say, I don't
have a pencil. She doesn't have a pencil, he doesn't have a
pencil, they do not have a pencil, we do not have a pencil…
Sonu: Why? Where have all the pencils gone?
2. Teacher: Sruti, spell a mouse.
Sruti: M-O-U-S.
Teacher: You've almost got it right. What comes at the end?
Sruti: The mouse's tail!
3. Girl to the clerk at the post office counter:
Thanks for the stamp. Should I stick it on myself?
Clerk: No, stick it on the letter.
4. Father: Everything is going up. The prices of food items; the
charges for electricity; the taxes I pay. If only something would
come down…
Son: Don't worry, father, there's something that's coming
down.
Father: What's that?
Son: The marks in my report card.
Kid's proverbs
Strike while the... Bug is close
Never underestimate the power of........Termites
You can lead a horse to water but........how?
The pen is mightier than the........Pigs
Where there's smoke there's.......Pollution
Two's company, three's..............The Musketeers
JOKES PART - 4
Hindi movies and software professionals
Sajan Chale Sasural: Computer professional going to US.
1942, a Love story: Sticking to one company for more than a year.
Dil to Pagal Hai: Staying in India, dreaming of US.
Sapnay: Green card.
Sadma: Rejected H-1(B) Visa.
English with a vernacular accent
DERIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON
NOTE: Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter.
He will give you the licen.
If you dot know how to fill ,copy from your phriend (dost)applikason.
For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason.
1. Last name:
(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dont no
(Check karet box)
2. phust name:
(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dont no
(Check karet box)
3. Age:
(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dont no
(Check karet box)
5. Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right
7. Number of children libing in the household: ___
8. Number that are yourj: ___
9. Mather name: _______________________
10. Phather Name: ____________________ (If not no, leabe blank)
11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest kilass attended)
12. Dental rekard:
(_) Ellow (_) Berownish-ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other -__________ Give egjhakt color
(Check karet box)
13. Your thumb imparesson:
____________________________
(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, pleaje do not copy thumb impression also. Pleaje provide your own thumb impression.)
PELEAJE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS
Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you dont have le pht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.
NOTE: IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DERIVE. WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS.
Matchless Mr Bean
1. Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the
figure, the answer is 6!!
2. Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet
yet!!
3. Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!
4. Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs
because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too…I got stuck on the escalator
for 3 hrs.
5. Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful.. ..is it
one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!
Funny English!
No wonder the English language is so very difficult to learn.
We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes.
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.
The one fowl is a goose but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a whole set of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why should not the plural of booth be called beeth?
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say Mother, we never say Methren,
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim,
So English, I fancy you will all agree,
Is the funniest language you ever did see.
Laugh till you drop
A father and his little son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo. Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression.
"Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ..."
"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly.
"What bus should I take home?" the boy finished.
Doctor: It's most essential that you should refrain from doing head work during the next few weeks.
Patient: Yes, doctor, but it's my living.
Doctor: Oh, are you a scholar?
Patient: No, I'm a barber.
Giggles
Q: What do you get if Batman and Robin get smashed by a steam roller?
A: Flatman and ribbon.
Q: What did the traffic light say to the car?
A: Don't look, I'm changing.
Ralph: (eating his lunch at school) Teacher, I've got a bone stuck in my throat.
Teacher: Are you choking?
Ralph: No, I'm serious.
Teacher: What is the opposite of minimum?
Peter: Minidad.
Mamma mouse was getting food in the kitchen with her baby when the cat pounced in. Snatching up the kid Mamma ran for the mousehole but it was obvious she wasn't going to make it. Finally in desperation she whipped around and shouted "Bark, Bark" at the cat. The cat skidded to a halt and ran away. Mamma mouse turned to her baby and said, "You see how important it is to learn a foreign language!"
A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully said each word right up to the end..."And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."
JOKES PART - 3
Ashamed
"I'm ashamed of you," the mother said. "Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!" "He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him." The mother stated emphatically, "When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me." The boy quickly replied, "What good would that have done? My aim is much better than yours."
Apple or Cookies
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"TAKE ONLY ONE, GOD IS WATCHING"
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies with the follwoing note:
"TAKE ALL YOU WANT, GOD IS WATCHING THE APPLES"
Little Johnny
1 Teacher "Now class behave, because God is everywhere"
Tommy "Is God in this classroom?"
Teacher "Yes Tommy"
Mary "Is God in the playground?"
Teacher "Yes Mary"
Johnny "Is God in my back garden?"
Teacher "Yes Johnny"
Johnny "But I don't have a back garden"
2 Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
3 Teachers never give up, and neither does Little Johnny. She asks him, "Can you name the Great Lakes?"
You know Johnny, he is always fast with an answer, and he pipes up with, "I don't need to. They've already been named."
Smiles galore
Engineering joke:
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion: If we close all the windows, get out, get back in, then open the windows again, maybe it'll work!"
Silly questions:
1. What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
Put it on my bill.
2. Did you hear about the two silkworms who had a race?
It ended in a tie.
3. What works only when it's fired?
A rocket.
4. What do ducks watch on TV?
Duckumentaries.
5. Where do mermaids go to see movies?
The dive-in.
2019 World cup cricket - News headlines!
Coach Sehwag to be sacked after India's defeat by Mongolia
"Tendulkar should consider quitting": Rahul Dravid
Pathan touches 60 mph!!!
India out of Super 30 contention
VVS Laxman : "I still hope for a spot in the team in 2023"
NORTH KOREA don't want to take minnows Pakistan lightly
Former Paki captain Inzamam : "Boys is not plays with heart"
Flintoff publishes 7th autobiography : How I got drunk, shot and woke up in the Pacific!
Greg Chappell talks of cracks in the Solomon Islands team: "Seniors are behaving like Mafia"
Security increased outside Sehwag's mithai shop after India's defeat
Cool definitions
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Te-hee
An amazing discovery!
German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net.
Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...
They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.
Smart Student: I'm taking French, Spanish, and Algebra this year.
Less Smart Student: Okay. Let me hear you say "good evening" in Algebra.
Did you hear about the wooden car with the wooden wheels and the wooden engine?
It wooden go!
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one. "Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree", said the first one. "Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second. "O.K." said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat sneaked up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought............ "I love baskin' robins!"
Once a duck went to a restaurant and asked "Do you have any grapes?" The waiter replied "We do not allow ducks or other animals in this restaurant, so you'll have to leave!" The duck went away, but came back an hour later. Again he asked "Do you have any grapes?" Again the waiter replied "I told you earlier we do not allow ducks in this restaurant. Go away! And if you come in here again, I'll staple your feet to the floor!" An hour later, the duck returned and asked "Do you have any staples?" The waiter replied "NO!". "Good...." said the duck, "then, do you have any grapes?"
Funny leave notes
These are actual excuse notes teachers have received, spelling mistakes included.
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Qutab Minar built in a day
John from Great Britain once visited his friend, Bhola in Delhi. On the first day, Bhola took John to Taj Mahal.
Bhola explained, "It took twenty years to build this!"
John: In England, it would have been constructed in 10 years.
On the second day they went to Red Fort.
There, Bhola said, "This fort was made in 10 years."
John: In our England we would have built it in five years.
They then visited the Lotus Temple.
Bhola said, "This beautiful temple was constructed in five years."
John: In our place we would have completed it in five months.
They returned home and visited the Qutb Minar the next day.
John: This is very close and why didn't we see it yesterday?
Bhola: How could we see it yesterday? It was built only today!
Beggar's day
Beggar: Sir, give me a cake!
Baker: Won't you accept bread today?
Beggar: Bread is fine. But today is my birthday, so I was wondering if I could get a cake.
Essay on the "Indian Cow"
You'll forget your English by the time you finish reading this. This is a true essay written by a candidate at one of the National level exams. The candidate has written an essay on the Indian cow:
Indian Cow
HE IS THE COW. "The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed. He is same like-God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards. His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement. [horses dont have any such attachment]
What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally. His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species, Also his other motion.. gober] is much useful to trees, plants as well as for making flat cakes[like Pizza] , in hand and drying in the sun.
Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass. His only attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards. He has got tails also, situated in the backyard, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohesive body hereupon he gives hit with it.
The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts. His eyes and nose are like his other relatives. This is the cow.......
Ramayana by Bill Gates
When Bill Gates was in India, he had a chance to listen Ramayana from Atal Behari Vajpayee. After returning to US he wrote it in his personal Diary. A Tabloid in US got a copy of his writings. These are excerpts from his diary.
Ramayana by Bill Gates
LAN, LAN ago, in the SYSTEM of I/O-dhya, there ruled a PROCESSOR named DOS-rat. Once he EXECUTED a great sacrifice PROGRAM after which his queens gave an OUTPUT of four SUNs--RAM, LSIman,BUG-rat and SED-rughana. RAM the eldest was a MICROCHIP with excellent MEMORY. His brothers,however, were only PERIPHERAL ICs. Once when RAM was only 16MB, he married princess 'C'ta. 12years passed and DOS-rat decided to INSTAL RAM as his successor. However, Queen CIE/CAE (Kayegayee), who was once offered a boon by DOS-rat for a life saving HELP COMMAND, took this opportunity at the instigation of her BIOSed maid (a real plotter), and insisted that her son Bug-rat be INSTALLED and that RAM be BOOTED to the forest for 14 years. At this cruel and unexpected demand, a SURGE passed thru DOS-rat and, he collapsed,power-less. RAM agreed to LOG INTO forest and 'C'ta insisted to LOGIN with him. LSI-man was also resolved on LOGGING IN with his brother. The forest was the dwelling of SPARCnakha, the TRANSISTOR of RAW-van,PROCESSOR of LAN-ka. Attracted by RAM's stature, she proposed that he marry her. RAM, politely declined. Perceiving 'C'ta to be the SOURCE CODE of her distress, she hastened to kill her. Weeping,SPARC-nakha fled to LAN-ka, where RAW-van, moved by TRANSISTOR's plight,approached his uncle MAR-icha. MAR-icha REPROGRAMED himself into the form of a golden stag and drew RAM deep into forest.
Finally, tired of chase, RAM shot the deer, who, with his last breath, cried out desperately for LSI-man in RAM's voice.Fooled by this VIRTUAL RAM SOUND,'C'ta urged LSI-man to his brother's aid. Catching the opportunity,RAW-van DELINKED 'C'ta from her LIBRAR and changed her ROOT DIRECTORY to LAN-ka.
How to catch a Lion?
Newton's Method: Let the lion catch you. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. This implies you have caught the lion.
Einstein's Method: Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.
Software Engineer Method: Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that it is a Lion. If anyone comes back with issues, tell them that you will upgrade it to Lion.
Indian Police Method: Catch any animal, interrogate it, torture it and force it to accept that it is a lion.
Rajnikanth Method: Keep warning the lion that you may come back and attack him anytime. The lion will live in fear and die soon of fear itself.
Manirathnam Method (director): Make sure the lion does not get sunlight; put the lion in a dark room with only a single lighted candle. Keep murmuring something in its ears. The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.
Karan Johar Method (director): Send a lioness into the forest. Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other. Send another lioness into the forest, followed by another lion. The first lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the second lioness. But the second lioness loves both lions. Now send another lioness (third) into the forest. You don't understand right... ok....read it after 15 years, even then you wont!
Yash Chopra method (director): Take the lion to Australia or US and kill it in a good scenic location.
Govinda method: Dance continuously before the lion for 5 or 6 days.
Maneka Gandhi method: Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.
George Bush method: Link the lion with Osama bin Laden and shoot him!
JOKES PART-2
Where is God?
Two brothers, about 8 and 10 years old, were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it usually turned out they had a hand in it.
Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them, so hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys.
The father replied, "Sure, do that before I whack them!"
The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief.
He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"
Riddles
1. Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player?
She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin.
2. Why are Saturday and Sunday strong days?
Because they are not weekdays!
3. How do you cut the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw!
4. Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don't work!
5. Why was the crab sent to prison?
Because he kept pinching things!
Laughing gas
1. A four-year-old boy was eating an apple in the back seat of the car,
when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"
"Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the
meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused
it to oxidise, thus changing the molecular structure and turning
it into a different color."
There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly,
"Daddy, are you talking to me?"
2. A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make
the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and
put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!
3. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question: - Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer: -No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you
try again.
4. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question: - Sorry. Were you sleeping?
Answer: - No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes
in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb
witted moron.
5. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question: - Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer: - No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
6. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question: - Tell me if it hurts.
Answer: - No it won't. It will just bleed.
Haa haa haa
1.Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment.
"Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
2. When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
3. An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."
Drolly Dolly
Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?
Dolly: "HIJKLMNO! "!!
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Dolly: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
Teacher: DOLLY, how do you spell "crocodile"?
Dolly: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
Teacher: No, that's wrong
Dolly: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
Teacher: DOLLY, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Dolly: I is...
Teacher: No, DOLLY. Always say, "I am."
Dolly: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Dolly: "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"
Dolly: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father: No. Why do you ask that?
Dolly: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
Teacher: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!
Dolly: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.
Teacher: Now, DOLLY, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating ?
Dolly: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
Teacher: DOLLY, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as yourbrother's. Did you copy his?
Dolly: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
Cool Kiddos!
Two brothers, about 8 and 10 years old, were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it usually turned out they had a hand in it.
Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them, so hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys.
The father replied, "Sure, do that before I whack them!"
The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief.
He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"
Riddles
1. Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player?
She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin.
2. Why are Saturday and Sunday strong days?
Because they are not weekdays!
3. How do you cut the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw!
4. Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don't work!
5. Why was the crab sent to prison?
Because he kept pinching things!
Laughing gas
1. A four-year-old boy was eating an apple in the back seat of the car,
when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"
"Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the
meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused
it to oxidise, thus changing the molecular structure and turning
it into a different color."
There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly,
"Daddy, are you talking to me?"
2. A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make
the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and
put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!
3. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question: - Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer: -No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you
try again.
4. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question: - Sorry. Were you sleeping?
Answer: - No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes
in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb
witted moron.
5. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question: - Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer: - No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
6. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question: - Tell me if it hurts.
Answer: - No it won't. It will just bleed.
Haa haa haa
1.Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment.
"Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
2. When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
3. An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."
Drolly Dolly
Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?
Dolly: "HIJKLMNO! "!!
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Dolly: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
Teacher: DOLLY, how do you spell "crocodile"?
Dolly: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
Teacher: No, that's wrong
Dolly: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
Teacher: DOLLY, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Dolly: I is...
Teacher: No, DOLLY. Always say, "I am."
Dolly: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Dolly: "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"
Dolly: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father: No. Why do you ask that?
Dolly: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
Teacher: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!
Dolly: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.
Teacher: Now, DOLLY, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating ?
Dolly: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
Teacher: DOLLY, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as yourbrother's. Did you copy his?
Dolly: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
Cool Kiddos!
JOKES - PART 1
M for Magnet
Miss Monica was teaching science to her student. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.
Question time came, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"
A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"
Be back next week
Anju, a little girl, was looking at the yellow ripe mangoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you two rupees for that mango," said the girl pointing to a large, ripe fruit.
"No," said the farmer, "I can get Rs 10/- for a mango like that one."
The girl pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two rupees for that one?"
"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for a rupee."
"Okay," said the girl, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."
Foot in the mouth
A three-year-old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot.
She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."
He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. They're the only feet I got!"
Too clever by half
A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friend says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guy says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
Q & A
A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.
On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a question?" - Discuss.
After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer."
The student received an "A" for the exam.
Fatal direction
Woman (in the middle of the road): Can you tell me how to go to Shrushti Hospital?
Policeman: Just stand where you are!!!
A quick retort
Well-dressed man to beggar – "Aren't you ashamed to beg in the street like this?"
Beggar – "Do you expect me to open an office for begging?"
Literally speaking
Little boy standing near his fat father, is asked by father's friend: "And what are you going to do when you're as big as your father?"
Little boy – "Join a fitness programme."
Just in jest
Jahan Krishan ka janam hua tha (Where Krishna was born)
Train mein TT Sadhu se bola (TT asked Sadhu): Kahan jana hai (Where do you want to go)?
Sadhu : Jahan Ram ka janam hua tha (Where Ram was born).
TT : Ticket hai (Do you have the ticket)?
Sadhu : Nahin (No)
TT : Chalo (Come)
Sadhu : Kahan (Where)?
TT : Jahan Krishan ka janam hua tha.. Jail mein (Where Krishan was born...Jail)
Christmas wish!
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I pray for a new bicycle!"
"I pray for a new Nintendo!"
"I pray for a new VCR!"
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
Miss Monica was teaching science to her student. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.
Question time came, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"
A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"
Be back next week
Anju, a little girl, was looking at the yellow ripe mangoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you two rupees for that mango," said the girl pointing to a large, ripe fruit.
"No," said the farmer, "I can get Rs 10/- for a mango like that one."
The girl pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two rupees for that one?"
"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for a rupee."
"Okay," said the girl, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."
Foot in the mouth
A three-year-old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot.
She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."
He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. They're the only feet I got!"
Too clever by half
A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friend says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guy says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
Q & A
A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.
On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a question?" - Discuss.
After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer."
The student received an "A" for the exam.
Fatal direction
Woman (in the middle of the road): Can you tell me how to go to Shrushti Hospital?
Policeman: Just stand where you are!!!
A quick retort
Well-dressed man to beggar – "Aren't you ashamed to beg in the street like this?"
Beggar – "Do you expect me to open an office for begging?"
Literally speaking
Little boy standing near his fat father, is asked by father's friend: "And what are you going to do when you're as big as your father?"
Little boy – "Join a fitness programme."
Just in jest
Jahan Krishan ka janam hua tha (Where Krishna was born)
Train mein TT Sadhu se bola (TT asked Sadhu): Kahan jana hai (Where do you want to go)?
Sadhu : Jahan Ram ka janam hua tha (Where Ram was born).
TT : Ticket hai (Do you have the ticket)?
Sadhu : Nahin (No)
TT : Chalo (Come)
Sadhu : Kahan (Where)?
TT : Jahan Krishan ka janam hua tha.. Jail mein (Where Krishan was born...Jail)
Christmas wish!
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I pray for a new bicycle!"
"I pray for a new Nintendo!"
"I pray for a new VCR!"
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
Wednesday 16 August 2017
Resignation Letter Template
Subject : Resignation - (Name of Yours)
Dear (Name of HR),
Please accept this email message as formal resignation from my position of (eg: Software Engineer) with XYZ (Your Company Name).
I will have to be relieved from my duties by (Date : Oct-16-2012.)
I understand that as per my appointmnet letter I am required to service notice for 60 days and my last day of work will be (Date : Oct-16-2012)
I appreciate the opportunities I have been given at the company and support.
I would want to appreciate that I have learnt and grown a lot under your guidance and support and taking this decision hasn't been easy for me, however i feel driven to take up the new assignment that has come my way.
I will do all I can to ensure that my leaving is as smooth as possible.
I have thoroughly enjoyed my time here and I will remember all my colleagues fondly. I wish you well and thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
xxxxxxx.
Dear (Name of HR),
Please accept this email message as formal resignation from my position of (eg: Software Engineer) with XYZ (Your Company Name).
I will have to be relieved from my duties by (Date : Oct-16-2012.)
I understand that as per my appointmnet letter I am required to service notice for 60 days and my last day of work will be (Date : Oct-16-2012)
I appreciate the opportunities I have been given at the company and support.
I would want to appreciate that I have learnt and grown a lot under your guidance and support and taking this decision hasn't been easy for me, however i feel driven to take up the new assignment that has come my way.
I will do all I can to ensure that my leaving is as smooth as possible.
I have thoroughly enjoyed my time here and I will remember all my colleagues fondly. I wish you well and thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
xxxxxxx.
Tuesday 16 May 2017
ADDING CRON TRIGGER OR SCHEDULING JOB IN TALEND OR TAC
For those unfamiliar with "cron", this means being able to create a firing schedule such as: "At 8:00am every Monday through Friday" or "At 1:30am every last Friday of the month".
A "Cron-Expression" is a string comprised of 6 or 7 fields separated by white space. The 6 mandatory and 1 optional fields are as follows:
Field Name Allowed Values Allowed Special Characters
Seconds 0-59 , - * /
Minutes 0-59 , - * /
Hours 0-23 , - * /
Day-of-month 1-31 , - * ? / L C
Month 1-12 or JAN-DEC , - * /
Day-of-Week 1-7 or SUN-SAT , - * ? / L C #
Year (Optional) empty, 1970-2099 , - * /
The '*' character is used to specify all values. For example, "*" in the minute field means "every minute".
The '?' character is allowed for the day-of-month and day-of-week fields. It is used to specify 'no specific value'. This is useful when you need to specify something in one of the two fileds, but not the other. See the examples below for clarification.
The '-' character is used to specify ranges For example "10-12" in the hour field means "the hours 10, 11 and 12".
The ',' character is used to specify additional values. For example "MON,WED,FRI" in the day-of-week field means "the days Monday, Wednesday, and Friday".
The '/' character is used to specify increments. For example "0/15" in the seconds field means "the seconds 0, 15, 30, and 45". And "5/15" in the seconds field means "the seconds 5, 20, 35, and 50". You can also specify '/' after the '*' character - in this case '*' is equivalent to having '0' before the '/'.
The 'L' character is allowed for the day-of-month and day-of-week fields. This character is short-hand for "last", but it has different meaning in each of the two fields. For example, the value "L" in the day-of-month field means "the last day of the month" - day 31 for January, day 28 for February on non-leap years. If used in the day-of-week field by itself, it simply means "7" or "SAT". But if used in the day-of-week field after another value, it means "the last xxx day of the month" - for example "6L" means "the last friday of the month". When using the 'L' option, it is important not to specify lists, or ranges of values, as you'll get confusing results.
The '#' character is allowed for the day-of-week field. This character is used to specify "the nth" XXX day of the month. For example, the value of "6#3" in the day-of-week field means the third Friday of the month (day 6 = Friday and "#3" = the 3rd one in the month). Other examples: "2#1" = the first Monday of the month and "4#5" = the fifth Wednesday of the month. Note that if you specify "#5" and there is not 5 of the given day-of-week in the month, then no firing will occur that month.
The 'C' character is allowed for the day-of-month and day-of-week fields. This character is short-hand for "calendar". This means values are calculated against the associated calendar, if any. If no calendar is associated, then it is equivalent to having an all-inclusive calendar. A value of "5C" in the day-of-month field means "the first day included by the calendar on or after the 5th". A value of "1C" in the day-of-week field means "the first day included by the calendar on or after sunday".
The legal characters and the names of months and days of the week are not case sensitive.
Here are some full examples:
Expression Meaning
"0 0 12 * * ?" Fire at 12pm (noon) every day
"0 15 10 ? * *" Fire at 10:15am every day
"0 15 10 * * ?" Fire at 10:15am every day
"0 15 10 * * ? *" Fire at 10:15am every day
"0 15 10 * * ? 2005" Fire at 10:15am every day during the year 2005
"0 * 14 * * ?" Fire every minute starting at 2pm and ending at 2:59pm, every day
"0 0/5 14 * * ?" Fire every 5 minutes starting at 2pm and ending at 2:55pm, every day
"0 0/5 14,18 * * ?" Fire every 5 minutes starting at 2pm and ending at 2:55pm, AND fire every 5 minutes starting at 6pm and ending at 6:55pm, every day
"0 0-5 14 * * ?" Fire every minute starting at 2pm and ending at 2:05pm, every day
"0 10,44 14 ? 3 WED" Fire at 2:10pm and at 2:44pm every Wednesday in the month of March.
"0 15 10 ? * MON-FRI" Fire at 10:15am every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday
"0 15 10 15 * ?" Fire at 10:15am on the 15th day of every month
"0 15 10 L * ?" Fire at 10:15am on the last day of every month
"0 15 10 ? * 6L" Fire at 10:15am on the last Friday of every month
"0 15 10 ? * 6L" Fire at 10:15am on the last Friday of every month
"0 15 10 * * 6L 2002-2005" Fire at 10:15am on EVERY DAY of every month during the years 2002, 2003, 2004 and 2005
"0 15 10 * * 6#3" Fire at 10:15am on the third Friday of every month
Pay attention to the effects of '?' and '*' in the day-of-week and day-of-month fields!
NOTES:
Support for the features described for the 'C' character is not complete.
Support for specifying both a day-of-week and a day-of-month value is not complete (you'll need to use the '?' character in on of these fields).
A "Cron-Expression" is a string comprised of 6 or 7 fields separated by white space. The 6 mandatory and 1 optional fields are as follows:
Field Name Allowed Values Allowed Special Characters
Seconds 0-59 , - * /
Minutes 0-59 , - * /
Hours 0-23 , - * /
Day-of-month 1-31 , - * ? / L C
Month 1-12 or JAN-DEC , - * /
Day-of-Week 1-7 or SUN-SAT , - * ? / L C #
Year (Optional) empty, 1970-2099 , - * /
The '*' character is used to specify all values. For example, "*" in the minute field means "every minute".
The '?' character is allowed for the day-of-month and day-of-week fields. It is used to specify 'no specific value'. This is useful when you need to specify something in one of the two fileds, but not the other. See the examples below for clarification.
The '-' character is used to specify ranges For example "10-12" in the hour field means "the hours 10, 11 and 12".
The ',' character is used to specify additional values. For example "MON,WED,FRI" in the day-of-week field means "the days Monday, Wednesday, and Friday".
The '/' character is used to specify increments. For example "0/15" in the seconds field means "the seconds 0, 15, 30, and 45". And "5/15" in the seconds field means "the seconds 5, 20, 35, and 50". You can also specify '/' after the '*' character - in this case '*' is equivalent to having '0' before the '/'.
The 'L' character is allowed for the day-of-month and day-of-week fields. This character is short-hand for "last", but it has different meaning in each of the two fields. For example, the value "L" in the day-of-month field means "the last day of the month" - day 31 for January, day 28 for February on non-leap years. If used in the day-of-week field by itself, it simply means "7" or "SAT". But if used in the day-of-week field after another value, it means "the last xxx day of the month" - for example "6L" means "the last friday of the month". When using the 'L' option, it is important not to specify lists, or ranges of values, as you'll get confusing results.
The '#' character is allowed for the day-of-week field. This character is used to specify "the nth" XXX day of the month. For example, the value of "6#3" in the day-of-week field means the third Friday of the month (day 6 = Friday and "#3" = the 3rd one in the month). Other examples: "2#1" = the first Monday of the month and "4#5" = the fifth Wednesday of the month. Note that if you specify "#5" and there is not 5 of the given day-of-week in the month, then no firing will occur that month.
The 'C' character is allowed for the day-of-month and day-of-week fields. This character is short-hand for "calendar". This means values are calculated against the associated calendar, if any. If no calendar is associated, then it is equivalent to having an all-inclusive calendar. A value of "5C" in the day-of-month field means "the first day included by the calendar on or after the 5th". A value of "1C" in the day-of-week field means "the first day included by the calendar on or after sunday".
The legal characters and the names of months and days of the week are not case sensitive.
Here are some full examples:
Expression Meaning
"0 0 12 * * ?" Fire at 12pm (noon) every day
"0 15 10 ? * *" Fire at 10:15am every day
"0 15 10 * * ?" Fire at 10:15am every day
"0 15 10 * * ? *" Fire at 10:15am every day
"0 15 10 * * ? 2005" Fire at 10:15am every day during the year 2005
"0 * 14 * * ?" Fire every minute starting at 2pm and ending at 2:59pm, every day
"0 0/5 14 * * ?" Fire every 5 minutes starting at 2pm and ending at 2:55pm, every day
"0 0/5 14,18 * * ?" Fire every 5 minutes starting at 2pm and ending at 2:55pm, AND fire every 5 minutes starting at 6pm and ending at 6:55pm, every day
"0 0-5 14 * * ?" Fire every minute starting at 2pm and ending at 2:05pm, every day
"0 10,44 14 ? 3 WED" Fire at 2:10pm and at 2:44pm every Wednesday in the month of March.
"0 15 10 ? * MON-FRI" Fire at 10:15am every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday
"0 15 10 15 * ?" Fire at 10:15am on the 15th day of every month
"0 15 10 L * ?" Fire at 10:15am on the last day of every month
"0 15 10 ? * 6L" Fire at 10:15am on the last Friday of every month
"0 15 10 ? * 6L" Fire at 10:15am on the last Friday of every month
"0 15 10 * * 6L 2002-2005" Fire at 10:15am on EVERY DAY of every month during the years 2002, 2003, 2004 and 2005
"0 15 10 * * 6#3" Fire at 10:15am on the third Friday of every month
Pay attention to the effects of '?' and '*' in the day-of-week and day-of-month fields!
NOTES:
Support for the features described for the 'C' character is not complete.
Support for specifying both a day-of-week and a day-of-month value is not complete (you'll need to use the '?' character in on of these fields).
Sunday 23 April 2017
What I WISH
MEDIA(NEWSPAPER/TV CHANNELS) :
All are equipped with Murders,Deaths,Attacks,SUICIDES etc majorly.
**** Newspapers shouldn't get any Bad NEWS even if they search thru BIOSCOPE.
*** The Newspaper should be filled with only good news of NEW BIRTHS,MARRIAGES,FESTIVALS.
***AD LESS NEWSPAPERS.
GOD :
() Mostly 98% of people go to temples becoz of FEAR of HIM.
()100% of people will definitely ASK something in RETURN by giving atleast 1 RUPEE to HIM.
()People shouldn't do prayers with FEAR of GOD.
()They should get PEACE when they go to TEMPLE and they would get it only if they
won't make a checklist of what needs to ASK GOD.
WIN/LOSS :
()where ever there is a SPORT, obviously there would be a WINNER and a LOSER.
()one should keep in MIND that a WINNER of today of a particular SPORT will be replaced by SOMEBODY at some point of TIME.
SCHOOLS :
()Most of the Countries give EDUCATION via SCHOOLS/COLLEGES to children.
()70% of the STUDENTS are facing UNEMPLOYMENT once they step into LIFE.
()Government should remove certain DEGREES which are of no USE TODAY.
()Government should produce STATISTICS in TV's of the POSITIONS that are available for the particular YEAR for the particular DEGREES.
()At School Level, Teachers should be given proper TRAINING of What course
should the STUDENTS take after their SCHOOLING that might help their FUTURE.
Monday 17 April 2017
GATHERING ALL CREATE TABLE STATEMENTS IN POSTGRES DATABASE
=========================================================
GATHERING ALL CREATE TABLE STATEMENTS IN POSTGRES DATABASE
=======================================================
1)SELECT any one table, right click and click on BACKUP
2)In FILE OPTIONS TAB, Give any filename by selecting the path
3)select format as PLAIN
4)In DUMP OPTIONS #1 TAB, select ONLY SCHEMA in TYPE OF OBJECTS
5)In DUMP OPTIONS #2 TAB, select Verbose Messages in TYPE OF OBJECTS(This is default option , so you don't hav to do any)
6)In OBJECTS TAB, Select all the tables you want.
7)Click on Backup Button
That's it, The output file does consists of all the tables with CREATE STATEMETNS you Want.
GATHERING ALL CREATE TABLE STATEMENTS IN POSTGRES DATABASE
=======================================================
1)SELECT any one table, right click and click on BACKUP
2)In FILE OPTIONS TAB, Give any filename by selecting the path
3)select format as PLAIN
4)In DUMP OPTIONS #1 TAB, select ONLY SCHEMA in TYPE OF OBJECTS
5)In DUMP OPTIONS #2 TAB, select Verbose Messages in TYPE OF OBJECTS(This is default option , so you don't hav to do any)
6)In OBJECTS TAB, Select all the tables you want.
7)Click on Backup Button
That's it, The output file does consists of all the tables with CREATE STATEMETNS you Want.
Sunday 9 April 2017
Going To Have ARRANGED MARRIAGE??? How to Make it Efficient?
In India, Most of the marriages will be Arranged ones. Even Though we watch many many love stories in Indian Movies, In Real Life it can't be possible because of various reasons.
A Boy(< 25 Age)/A Man( > 25 Age) will see a Girl/Lady and fall in Love.
But, he/she doesn't know the age of other person, doesn't know the CASTE of other person, doesn't the Employment/Education Status of other person.
Ok. Even if one comes to know about all the stuff, then intercaste Marriage/UnEmployment/Less Education will always lead to drop off of LOVE.
Hence ARRANGED MARRIAGE comes into Picture.
OK OK ... I am coming into the point of ARRANGED MARRIAGE.
ARRANGED MARRIAGE is good if the Bride & Groom doesn't have any problems after Marriage. On the other side of the COIN, It is obviously BAD if they face all PROBLEMS after Marriage which leads to DIVORCE/EXTRA MARITAL AFFAIRS/DEATH/SUICIDE etc.... all of these which we are seeing DAILY in News Papers.
What If we have a FORMULAE/PROCESS that makes the ARRANGED MARRIAGE successful atleast to 60%.
1)The Bride/Groom won't have a better communication until the MARRIAGE. Hence, the pair needs to adjust/Manage/Mould themselves in order to satisfy the other. If NONE of the pair are not willing to do so, then obviously it leads to distruction of MARRIAGE.
BETTER COMMUNICATION :
=======================
What is meant by BETTER COMMUNICATION? Does it mean to talk with each other 24/7 daily in mobile on unnecessary stuff like what have you eaten, what are you doing, what did you do yesterday, what are doing now, today etc....?
In my Opinion, He/She should know ABOUT
1)Other Person's Character by posing the questions related to them.
2)How He/She takes a Decision?
3)How He/She treats Elders/Youngers?
4)How Many Friends does HE/SHE has?
5)If your father gives one Lakh rupees to you what will you do?
He/She should prepare a list of questions and need to have a conversation with Bride/Groom.
I am listing out some of the Questions for sample.
1)By knowing the Academic Career of 10th/12th/Degree Percentages you can get to know about his/her's Intelligence.
The Percentages might have come by Mugging/ Pure Intelligence. What ever it is, It shows the Concentration,Punctuality He/She has over Education.
2)How many friends does He/She has?
What are the Names of his/her's Best Friends?
While having this conversation the answers should come abruptly or within few seconds or can take some time. But the answers should come, otherwise, it clearly determines the person as INTROVERT and needs to take MORE time to mingle with OTHERS.
3)What are the Achievements He/She made till now?
4)What does MARRIAGE mean in your opinion?
5)What does LOVE mean in your opinion?
6)How do you define MONEY?
The above are some of the sample ones, likewise you can prepare some on your OWN and pose them on your PARTNER accordingly.
Make Sure you do have ANSWERS before you POSE to your PARTNER. If you don't know/had Bad the answer then you are UNFIT to your PARTNER.
Prepare a List like this, Give some points which makes you Satisfactory.
After the conversation, check the Points and then goahead/carry on accordingly.
There is an African Proverb
"Show me your friend and I will show you your character."
Get to Know about the Friends of HIM/HER and have a conversation with them to know your PARTNER's Character.
A Boy(< 25 Age)/A Man( > 25 Age) will see a Girl/Lady and fall in Love.
But, he/she doesn't know the age of other person, doesn't know the CASTE of other person, doesn't the Employment/Education Status of other person.
Ok. Even if one comes to know about all the stuff, then intercaste Marriage/UnEmployment/Less Education will always lead to drop off of LOVE.
Hence ARRANGED MARRIAGE comes into Picture.
OK OK ... I am coming into the point of ARRANGED MARRIAGE.
ARRANGED MARRIAGE is good if the Bride & Groom doesn't have any problems after Marriage. On the other side of the COIN, It is obviously BAD if they face all PROBLEMS after Marriage which leads to DIVORCE/EXTRA MARITAL AFFAIRS/DEATH/SUICIDE etc.... all of these which we are seeing DAILY in News Papers.
What If we have a FORMULAE/PROCESS that makes the ARRANGED MARRIAGE successful atleast to 60%.
1)The Bride/Groom won't have a better communication until the MARRIAGE. Hence, the pair needs to adjust/Manage/Mould themselves in order to satisfy the other. If NONE of the pair are not willing to do so, then obviously it leads to distruction of MARRIAGE.
BETTER COMMUNICATION :
=======================
What is meant by BETTER COMMUNICATION? Does it mean to talk with each other 24/7 daily in mobile on unnecessary stuff like what have you eaten, what are you doing, what did you do yesterday, what are doing now, today etc....?
In my Opinion, He/She should know ABOUT
1)Other Person's Character by posing the questions related to them.
2)How He/She takes a Decision?
3)How He/She treats Elders/Youngers?
4)How Many Friends does HE/SHE has?
5)If your father gives one Lakh rupees to you what will you do?
He/She should prepare a list of questions and need to have a conversation with Bride/Groom.
I am listing out some of the Questions for sample.
1)By knowing the Academic Career of 10th/12th/Degree Percentages you can get to know about his/her's Intelligence.
The Percentages might have come by Mugging/ Pure Intelligence. What ever it is, It shows the Concentration,Punctuality He/She has over Education.
2)How many friends does He/She has?
What are the Names of his/her's Best Friends?
While having this conversation the answers should come abruptly or within few seconds or can take some time. But the answers should come, otherwise, it clearly determines the person as INTROVERT and needs to take MORE time to mingle with OTHERS.
3)What are the Achievements He/She made till now?
4)What does MARRIAGE mean in your opinion?
5)What does LOVE mean in your opinion?
6)How do you define MONEY?
The above are some of the sample ones, likewise you can prepare some on your OWN and pose them on your PARTNER accordingly.
Make Sure you do have ANSWERS before you POSE to your PARTNER. If you don't know/had Bad the answer then you are UNFIT to your PARTNER.
Prepare a List like this, Give some points which makes you Satisfactory.
After the conversation, check the Points and then goahead/carry on accordingly.
There is an African Proverb
"Show me your friend and I will show you your character."
Get to Know about the Friends of HIM/HER and have a conversation with them to know your PARTNER's Character.
What If I KNOW MOSQUITOES Language?
Yesterday I got a wierd thought about MOSQUITOES.
At my Home, Lots of mosquitoes daily enjoying being in HEAVEN as they suck the blood of ours like anything.
1)If Mosquitoes are very less, I was thinking like MOSQUITOES might have gone for a marriage of one of the mosquitoes relative.
2)If I come to know Mosquitoes Language, I would ask them what they are in need of other than blood and provide it so that both of us are beneficial(Atleast sucking blood will be avoided).
3)More over I can open a Training Centre, How to Learn MOSQUITOES LANGUAGE in 30 days (FULLY REFUNDED IF language not comes) and can become a MILLIONAIRE.
4)If we know the MOSQUITOE LANGUAGE, we don't need an ARMY for a country also. MOSQUITOES ARMY will suck the blood of ENEMIES before they attack us.
At my Home, Lots of mosquitoes daily enjoying being in HEAVEN as they suck the blood of ours like anything.
1)If Mosquitoes are very less, I was thinking like MOSQUITOES might have gone for a marriage of one of the mosquitoes relative.
2)If I come to know Mosquitoes Language, I would ask them what they are in need of other than blood and provide it so that both of us are beneficial(Atleast sucking blood will be avoided).
3)More over I can open a Training Centre, How to Learn MOSQUITOES LANGUAGE in 30 days (FULLY REFUNDED IF language not comes) and can become a MILLIONAIRE.
4)If we know the MOSQUITOE LANGUAGE, we don't need an ARMY for a country also. MOSQUITOES ARMY will suck the blood of ENEMIES before they attack us.
Saturday 8 April 2017
Going to Tourist Places? Then Must Read This!!!!!!!!!!!
1) Need to maintain a check list of the places you want visit by a searching internet.
2) Need to watch the videos of tourist places priorky in YOUTUBE and skip some of them if you need.
3) Need to know the best hotels (for having food) by enquiring autowalas/cabs.
4) Schedule the toure timings from 07.00 A.M To 10.00 A.M and 03.00 P.M To 05.00 P.M
5) Need to keep water bottles has many has possible Need to keep milk if there are any infants
6) DO NOT WALK IN ORDER TO SAVE MONEY WITH OUT TAKING AUTOS
7) Prepare the check list of train timings and bus timings of to and fro and Go only in super fast trains and buses in order to saving time.
8) Take a small umbrella if you are visiting the place in summer/ rain season.
9) Drink coconut water and butter milk where ever you see them.
10) Prepare a CheckList of Nearest Hospitals in case of Health Emergency.
2) Need to watch the videos of tourist places priorky in YOUTUBE and skip some of them if you need.
3) Need to know the best hotels (for having food) by enquiring autowalas/cabs.
4) Schedule the toure timings from 07.00 A.M To 10.00 A.M and 03.00 P.M To 05.00 P.M
5) Need to keep water bottles has many has possible Need to keep milk if there are any infants
6) DO NOT WALK IN ORDER TO SAVE MONEY WITH OUT TAKING AUTOS
7) Prepare the check list of train timings and bus timings of to and fro and Go only in super fast trains and buses in order to saving time.
8) Take a small umbrella if you are visiting the place in summer/ rain season.
9) Drink coconut water and butter milk where ever you see them.
10) Prepare a CheckList of Nearest Hospitals in case of Health Emergency.
Monday 20 February 2017
TALEND COMPARE DATE FUNCTION EXAMPLES
1)if first one less than second one return number -1,
TalendDate.compareDate("2016-DEC-01" ,"2016-DEC-020","yyyy-MM-dd");
2)equlas return number 0,
TalendDate.compareDate("2016-DEC-01" ,"2016-DEC-01","yyyy-MM-dd");
3)bigger than return number 1. (can compare partly)
TalendDate.compareDate("2016-DEC-15" ,"2016-DEC-01","yyyy-MM-dd");
Working Code :
Var.start : TalendDate.parseDate("yyyy-MM-dd","2016-DEC-01")
Var.End : TalendDate.parseDate("yyyy-MM-dd","2016-DEC-01" )
TalendDate.compareDate(Var.start,Var.End,"yyyy-MM-dd");
COMPARE DATE () SUMMARY :
Date1 < Date2 : Returns -1
Date1 = Date 2 : Returns 0
Date1> Date 2 : Returns 1
Thursday 19 January 2017
tFileList Component Properties in TALEND
***tFileList_2_CURRENT_FILEDIRECTORY will give the value as below.
\\RemoteVM\workspace
***tFileList_2_CURRENT_FILEPATH will give the value as below.
\\RemoteVM\workspace\svc_txn_2017-01-1817-34-01.zip
***tFileList_2_CURRENT_FILE will give the value as below.
svc_txn_2017-01-1817-34-01.zip
SFTP not Working In TALEND?
When SFTP is not working then, in the PORT properties copy the below content.
Sol :
"context.SFTP_PORT); session_tFTPConnection_1.setConfig(\"PreferredAuthentications\",\"publickey,keyboard-interactive,password\"",
context.SFTP_PORT contains the value of PORT(will be 22).
Sol :
"context.SFTP_PORT); session_tFTPConnection_1.setConfig(\"PreferredAuthentications\",\"publickey,keyboard-interactive,password\"",
context.SFTP_PORT contains the value of PORT(will be 22).
Thursday 12 January 2017
Running Multiple TALEND Versions on PC
Scenario : Want to Run Talend 5 and Talend 6 Versions on PC.
Sol : Talend 5 uses JAVA 7
Talend 6 uses JAVA 8.
1)Download JAVA 7 and JAVA 8 versions.
2)Install JAVA 7
3)Install JAVA 8
4)Copy the contents of C:\Program Files\Java\jre1.8.0_112 into some other folder say like C:\Talend\jre1.8.0_112
5)Copy the contents of C:\Program Files\Java\jre7 into some other folder say like C:\Talend\jre7\
6)Uninstall JAVA 7 from install/uninstall programs of Control Panel.
7) I have got TALEND 5 in the below folder.
C:\TALEND5\
TALEND 6 in the below folder
C:\TALEND6\
8)
Changing the .ini file for TALEND 5
we will be having one Talend Studio configuration settings file of windows 64 machine as below.
C:\TALEND5\APM_Connect-Studio-win-x86_64.ini
Open it and modify as below.
-vm
C:\Talend\jre7\bin\javaw.exe
-vmargs
-Xms2048m
-Xmx5120m
-XX:MaxPermSize=512m
-Dfile.encoding=UTF-8
Changing the .ini file for TALEND 6
we will be having one Talend Studio configuration settings file of windows 64 machine as below.
C:\TALEND6\APM_Connect-Studio-win-x86_64.ini
Open it and modify as below.
-vm
C:\APMConnect\Java\jre1.8.0_112\bin\javaw.exe
-vmargs
-Xms2048m
-Xmx5120m
-Dfile.encoding=UTF-8
Note : As you already have installed JAVA 8 it will be doing the needful for other applications that use JAVA.
Sol : Talend 5 uses JAVA 7
Talend 6 uses JAVA 8.
1)Download JAVA 7 and JAVA 8 versions.
2)Install JAVA 7
3)Install JAVA 8
4)Copy the contents of C:\Program Files\Java\jre1.8.0_112 into some other folder say like C:\Talend\jre1.8.0_112
5)Copy the contents of C:\Program Files\Java\jre7 into some other folder say like C:\Talend\jre7\
6)Uninstall JAVA 7 from install/uninstall programs of Control Panel.
7) I have got TALEND 5 in the below folder.
C:\TALEND5\
TALEND 6 in the below folder
C:\TALEND6\
8)
Changing the .ini file for TALEND 5
we will be having one Talend Studio configuration settings file of windows 64 machine as below.
C:\TALEND5\APM_Connect-Studio-win-x86_64.ini
Open it and modify as below.
-vm
C:\Talend\jre7\bin\javaw.exe
-vmargs
-Xms2048m
-Xmx5120m
-XX:MaxPermSize=512m
-Dfile.encoding=UTF-8
Changing the .ini file for TALEND 6
we will be having one Talend Studio configuration settings file of windows 64 machine as below.
C:\TALEND6\APM_Connect-Studio-win-x86_64.ini
Open it and modify as below.
-vm
C:\APMConnect\Java\jre1.8.0_112\bin\javaw.exe
-vmargs
-Xms2048m
-Xmx5120m
-Dfile.encoding=UTF-8
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