Where is God?
Two brothers, about 8 and 10 years old, were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it usually turned out they had a hand in it.
Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them, so hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys.
The father replied, "Sure, do that before I whack them!"
The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief.
He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"
Riddles
1. Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player?
She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin.
2. Why are Saturday and Sunday strong days?
Because they are not weekdays!
3. How do you cut the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw!
4. Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don't work!
5. Why was the crab sent to prison?
Because he kept pinching things!
Laughing gas
1. A four-year-old boy was eating an apple in the back seat of the car,
when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"
"Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the
meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused
it to oxidise, thus changing the molecular structure and turning
it into a different color."
There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly,
"Daddy, are you talking to me?"
2. A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make
the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and
put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!
3. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question: - Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer: -No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you
try again.
4. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question: - Sorry. Were you sleeping?
Answer: - No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes
in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb
witted moron.
5. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question: - Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer: - No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
6. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question: - Tell me if it hurts.
Answer: - No it won't. It will just bleed.
Haa haa haa
1.Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment.
"Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
2. When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
3. An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."
Drolly Dolly
Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?
Dolly: "HIJKLMNO! "!!
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Dolly: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
Teacher: DOLLY, how do you spell "crocodile"?
Dolly: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
Teacher: No, that's wrong
Dolly: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
Teacher: DOLLY, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Dolly: I is...
Teacher: No, DOLLY. Always say, "I am."
Dolly: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Dolly: "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"
Dolly: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father: No. Why do you ask that?
Dolly: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
Teacher: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!
Dolly: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.
Teacher: Now, DOLLY, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating ?
Dolly: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
Teacher: DOLLY, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as yourbrother's. Did you copy his?
Dolly: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
Cool Kiddos!
Two brothers, about 8 and 10 years old, were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it usually turned out they had a hand in it.
Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them, so hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys.
The father replied, "Sure, do that before I whack them!"
The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief.
He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"
Riddles
1. Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player?
She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin.
2. Why are Saturday and Sunday strong days?
Because they are not weekdays!
3. How do you cut the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw!
4. Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don't work!
5. Why was the crab sent to prison?
Because he kept pinching things!
Laughing gas
1. A four-year-old boy was eating an apple in the back seat of the car,
when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"
"Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the
meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused
it to oxidise, thus changing the molecular structure and turning
it into a different color."
There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly,
"Daddy, are you talking to me?"
2. A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make
the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and
put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!
3. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question: - Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer: -No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you
try again.
4. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question: - Sorry. Were you sleeping?
Answer: - No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes
in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb
witted moron.
5. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question: - Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer: - No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
6. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question: - Tell me if it hurts.
Answer: - No it won't. It will just bleed.
Haa haa haa
1.Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment.
"Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
2. When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
3. An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."
Drolly Dolly
Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?
Dolly: "HIJKLMNO! "!!
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Dolly: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
Teacher: DOLLY, how do you spell "crocodile"?
Dolly: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
Teacher: No, that's wrong
Dolly: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
Teacher: DOLLY, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Dolly: I is...
Teacher: No, DOLLY. Always say, "I am."
Dolly: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Dolly: "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"
Dolly: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father: No. Why do you ask that?
Dolly: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
Teacher: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!
Dolly: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.
Teacher: Now, DOLLY, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating ?
Dolly: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
Teacher: DOLLY, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as yourbrother's. Did you copy his?
Dolly: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
Cool Kiddos!
