Ashamed
"I'm ashamed of you," the mother said. "Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!" "He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him." The mother stated emphatically, "When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me." The boy quickly replied, "What good would that have done? My aim is much better than yours."
Apple or Cookies
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"TAKE ONLY ONE, GOD IS WATCHING"
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies with the follwoing note:
"TAKE ALL YOU WANT, GOD IS WATCHING THE APPLES"
Little Johnny
1 Teacher "Now class behave, because God is everywhere"
Tommy "Is God in this classroom?"
Teacher "Yes Tommy"
Mary "Is God in the playground?"
Teacher "Yes Mary"
Johnny "Is God in my back garden?"
Teacher "Yes Johnny"
Johnny "But I don't have a back garden"
2 Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
3 Teachers never give up, and neither does Little Johnny. She asks him, "Can you name the Great Lakes?"
You know Johnny, he is always fast with an answer, and he pipes up with, "I don't need to. They've already been named."
Smiles galore
Engineering joke:
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion: If we close all the windows, get out, get back in, then open the windows again, maybe it'll work!"
Silly questions:
1. What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
Put it on my bill.
2. Did you hear about the two silkworms who had a race?
It ended in a tie.
3. What works only when it's fired?
A rocket.
4. What do ducks watch on TV?
Duckumentaries.
5. Where do mermaids go to see movies?
The dive-in.
2019 World cup cricket - News headlines!
Coach Sehwag to be sacked after India's defeat by Mongolia
"Tendulkar should consider quitting": Rahul Dravid
Pathan touches 60 mph!!!
India out of Super 30 contention
VVS Laxman : "I still hope for a spot in the team in 2023"
NORTH KOREA don't want to take minnows Pakistan lightly
Former Paki captain Inzamam : "Boys is not plays with heart"
Flintoff publishes 7th autobiography : How I got drunk, shot and woke up in the Pacific!
Greg Chappell talks of cracks in the Solomon Islands team: "Seniors are behaving like Mafia"
Security increased outside Sehwag's mithai shop after India's defeat
Cool definitions
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Te-hee
An amazing discovery!
German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net.
Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...
They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.
Smart Student: I'm taking French, Spanish, and Algebra this year.
Less Smart Student: Okay. Let me hear you say "good evening" in Algebra.
Did you hear about the wooden car with the wooden wheels and the wooden engine?
It wooden go!
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one. "Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree", said the first one. "Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second. "O.K." said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat sneaked up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought............ "I love baskin' robins!"
Once a duck went to a restaurant and asked "Do you have any grapes?" The waiter replied "We do not allow ducks or other animals in this restaurant, so you'll have to leave!" The duck went away, but came back an hour later. Again he asked "Do you have any grapes?" Again the waiter replied "I told you earlier we do not allow ducks in this restaurant. Go away! And if you come in here again, I'll staple your feet to the floor!" An hour later, the duck returned and asked "Do you have any staples?" The waiter replied "NO!". "Good...." said the duck, "then, do you have any grapes?"
Funny leave notes
These are actual excuse notes teachers have received, spelling mistakes included.
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Qutab Minar built in a day
John from Great Britain once visited his friend, Bhola in Delhi. On the first day, Bhola took John to Taj Mahal.
Bhola explained, "It took twenty years to build this!"
John: In England, it would have been constructed in 10 years.
On the second day they went to Red Fort.
There, Bhola said, "This fort was made in 10 years."
John: In our England we would have built it in five years.
They then visited the Lotus Temple.
Bhola said, "This beautiful temple was constructed in five years."
John: In our place we would have completed it in five months.
They returned home and visited the Qutb Minar the next day.
John: This is very close and why didn't we see it yesterday?
Bhola: How could we see it yesterday? It was built only today!
Beggar's day
Beggar: Sir, give me a cake!
Baker: Won't you accept bread today?
Beggar: Bread is fine. But today is my birthday, so I was wondering if I could get a cake.
Essay on the "Indian Cow"
You'll forget your English by the time you finish reading this. This is a true essay written by a candidate at one of the National level exams. The candidate has written an essay on the Indian cow:
Indian Cow
HE IS THE COW. "The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed. He is same like-God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards. His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement. [horses dont have any such attachment]
What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally. His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species, Also his other motion.. gober] is much useful to trees, plants as well as for making flat cakes[like Pizza] , in hand and drying in the sun.
Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass. His only attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards. He has got tails also, situated in the backyard, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohesive body hereupon he gives hit with it.
The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts. His eyes and nose are like his other relatives. This is the cow.......
Ramayana by Bill Gates
When Bill Gates was in India, he had a chance to listen Ramayana from Atal Behari Vajpayee. After returning to US he wrote it in his personal Diary. A Tabloid in US got a copy of his writings. These are excerpts from his diary.
Ramayana by Bill Gates
LAN, LAN ago, in the SYSTEM of I/O-dhya, there ruled a PROCESSOR named DOS-rat. Once he EXECUTED a great sacrifice PROGRAM after which his queens gave an OUTPUT of four SUNs--RAM, LSIman,BUG-rat and SED-rughana. RAM the eldest was a MICROCHIP with excellent MEMORY. His brothers,however, were only PERIPHERAL ICs. Once when RAM was only 16MB, he married princess 'C'ta. 12years passed and DOS-rat decided to INSTAL RAM as his successor. However, Queen CIE/CAE (Kayegayee), who was once offered a boon by DOS-rat for a life saving HELP COMMAND, took this opportunity at the instigation of her BIOSed maid (a real plotter), and insisted that her son Bug-rat be INSTALLED and that RAM be BOOTED to the forest for 14 years. At this cruel and unexpected demand, a SURGE passed thru DOS-rat and, he collapsed,power-less. RAM agreed to LOG INTO forest and 'C'ta insisted to LOGIN with him. LSI-man was also resolved on LOGGING IN with his brother. The forest was the dwelling of SPARCnakha, the TRANSISTOR of RAW-van,PROCESSOR of LAN-ka. Attracted by RAM's stature, she proposed that he marry her. RAM, politely declined. Perceiving 'C'ta to be the SOURCE CODE of her distress, she hastened to kill her. Weeping,SPARC-nakha fled to LAN-ka, where RAW-van, moved by TRANSISTOR's plight,approached his uncle MAR-icha. MAR-icha REPROGRAMED himself into the form of a golden stag and drew RAM deep into forest.
Finally, tired of chase, RAM shot the deer, who, with his last breath, cried out desperately for LSI-man in RAM's voice.Fooled by this VIRTUAL RAM SOUND,'C'ta urged LSI-man to his brother's aid. Catching the opportunity,RAW-van DELINKED 'C'ta from her LIBRAR and changed her ROOT DIRECTORY to LAN-ka.
How to catch a Lion?
Newton's Method: Let the lion catch you. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. This implies you have caught the lion.
Einstein's Method: Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.
Software Engineer Method: Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that it is a Lion. If anyone comes back with issues, tell them that you will upgrade it to Lion.
Indian Police Method: Catch any animal, interrogate it, torture it and force it to accept that it is a lion.
Rajnikanth Method: Keep warning the lion that you may come back and attack him anytime. The lion will live in fear and die soon of fear itself.
Manirathnam Method (director): Make sure the lion does not get sunlight; put the lion in a dark room with only a single lighted candle. Keep murmuring something in its ears. The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.
Karan Johar Method (director): Send a lioness into the forest. Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other. Send another lioness into the forest, followed by another lion. The first lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the second lioness. But the second lioness loves both lions. Now send another lioness (third) into the forest. You don't understand right... ok....read it after 15 years, even then you wont!
Yash Chopra method (director): Take the lion to Australia or US and kill it in a good scenic location.
Govinda method: Dance continuously before the lion for 5 or 6 days.
Maneka Gandhi method: Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.
George Bush method: Link the lion with Osama bin Laden and shoot him!
